pop culture/beach theme collage for my friend’s new room
i googled “how long does it take for skin to renew itself” because i read in a poem once that it does that, and i wanted to know if there’s still a trace of you clinging to my bones. it’s seven fucking years. which means you’ll be here for a while. but i still wash my sheets every two weeks just to make sure i never have to taste your sloppy fucking lips or feel your scratchy fucking stubble ever fucking again.
there’s a boy in my art class who kind of looks like you, and i don’t look at him when he speaks to me, and when he speaks to me i pretend i don’t hear. it’s so fucking rude of me.
there’s a boy in my history class who kind of sounds like you, and i shudder and itch when he asks a question, and i keep my headphones in as much as i can. it’s so fucking rude of me.
i knew you for four years and you weren’t always bad. i liked you for a little bit and you liked me for a little bit, but now i think of you and gag. you were so fucking rude to me.
i’m glad you unfriended me on facebook. and snapchat. and unfollowed me on twitter. and instagram. because it makes it kind of easier, you know?
but in my psychology class they taught us there isn’t any such thing as repression. and that really kills me, you know? because that just means no matter how hard i try i’m always gonna think of you. when i wear my black skater dress, and when i see the triangle shit from zelda, and when a 70s rock song comes on, and when i lay in my own fucking bed, and when someone does so much as fucking touch me like you did.
you didn’t deserve to touch me, and i deserved so much better. and you were cocky and bitter. and i shouldn’t have let this happen. and i just want to forget you ever happened so i can stop feeling guilty for sneaking a boy like you into my room.
it wasn’t worth it. and it’s taken me forever realize that’s the only reason i feel so dirty about you. it wasn’t fucking worth it.”
— “it’s taken six month to put this into words and get it off my chest”, s.p. may 2014.
— "3 AM," s.p.
You know how you can’t tell what your house smells like because you’re so used to it?
That’s how I wanted to love you
I wanted to get used to you
Not in the way you get used to foods so that they eventually lose their flavor
Or the way you repeat words so many times you forget what they mean
I wanted to get used to you like you get used to house smell
You don’t notice it but you know it’s home
I wanted you to be home”
— “Home,” S. P. January 2014
I’ve tried posing this like 50 times and it keeps not doing that. WIP. Edgy dude inspired by Alex Turner/Lyrics by Arcade Fire.
It is a new year and this year you will learn to love yourself in the form of:
1. Smiling at your reflection in puddles the way you’d smile at a stranger who looks sad. You are the stranger who looks sad. It’s been too long.
2. Giving yourself haircuts at 2 in the morning because you have craft scissors and haircuts always make you happy. You don’t know a thing about cutting hair. You will not do a good job. Like hair, you will grow to love it.
3. Kissing the mirror when you put on lipstick.
4. Not wiping it off. (If the glass gets so covered in kiss marks that you can’t see your face, maybe then wipe it off. Or don’t. You’re wearing lipstick, you look good.)
5. Saying the wrong things at the wrong times and not apologizing. You don’t need to say you’re sorry for saying words. “Sorry” is just a word, it will blend in with the others anyway.
6. Touching yourself when you want to and even when you don’t want to. Don’t feel bad about things that feel good. It feels good. Feel good.
7. Acknowledging that you exist. This means understanding that everything you do is in fact significant. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.
8. Loving the scars and the zits and the stretch marks and the bags under your eyes the same way you love when they aren’t there. They are a part of you and you are so beautiful.
9. You are so, so beautiful.”
— Resolution, January 1st 2014
I want to tell you that I’m sorry
But I won’t because you’ll ask “for what?”
and there’s nothing I can say worth apologizing for
Some things are just better left alone but you don’t leave anything alone and somehow that’s never been a bad thing
I just want you to understand that I feel guilty But I know you wouldn’t want me to
You’re selfless and I’m just self sufficient
I’m a magnet to madness and I lack the strength to make better choices like you do and accept it and adapt when things go wrong
You won’t forgive me because I won’t ask
And even good people have their limits
Your cheeks will blush redder and my bruises will yellow because purple is a royal color and I could never live up to that
They say doves are just white pigeons but they know you’re pure and I’m a pest we’ve just both got wings to carry us
One day I’ll fade out like sad music and you’ll keep running when I drop to my knees already so far behind
And you’ll think it’s your fault and that’s why I’m apologizing
Because I need you to know I did this to myself
needs to be scanned